Marco.......Polo

And I'm not talking about that stupid Bow Wow-Souljah Boy song.

I'm talking about seeking out honest, high quality people that I want in my life. Finding a boo and/or friends of either sex is very hard to do, it's not easy to differientate those that are like that saying, only here for a season from those you who are here for a lifetime.

Seasonal vs. Lifetime



Friendship- I've had a hard time keep real friends in my life. I have different sets of "friends" and "associates" who come and go and come again and have served different purposes in my life. I have my high school friends and associates. Some of these people I may have known since kindergarten and still talk to but aren't people I hang with or confide in but are friendish. Then there are associates from highschool that I speak to but never really been friends with and thats all good. And then there are my ride or die homies who even if with go months without speaking all I got to do is make a phone call and they're there and vice versa and they better be my friends forever because we got these damn matching tattoos and mine is the biggest! And even though they are my ride or die there are still limitations, we've grown apart, done different things in life which alters taste and stuff someone might like to do or see the others don't.

My bestest friend is part of that crew and we've definitely grown apart and have taken different paths in life but thats my babymama (I'm the god mom to her kids) and I'll always love her. Then there is Bird, who I can't come up with another name for so she'll go by her own name, who I admire and worry about so much. She has the balls I wish I had, she got up and moved out of the state and did her thing, something I want to do but don't have the nerve. She's an awesome person, someone easy to talk to and is very smart and is #2 on my bestest list.

I have no real friends from college, mostly associates so we can skip that whole period all together.

Fast forward to 2007-present time and who do I have?

I have my ride or dies, my bestests 1 and 2, and a new buddy in Derg but we really don't talk if Bird isn't involved and that is it. I had a group of peeps who most I've known the longest and I thought were my other ride or die group but things are not so. Once I took a step back after being told essentially that I was bossy (which I don't understand and I'll address below) they tend to fall into the same line as everyone else. 99.99999999% of the time I've had conversations with these people its been if we're all out somewhere. Sometimes we'd meet up and everyone will be talking about something that happened and I'd have no idea what they're talking about because they never talk to me but will talk to each other.

M-Th conversation was very limited to either planning the weekend if something was going on or limited convo on gchat. I'd throw out ideas to go out or invite them over if I cooked and that was turned into me being bossy. Nothing I suggested as things to do were mandatory, nothing was 'do this or else.' I was merely trying to maintain a semblance of a friendship and it turned into me being bossy. Ok. Fine. I'll be bossy by myself. I was under the impression that friends talked, chilled, went out every now and then. Obviously I was mistaken so I've removed myself from that situation.

This all came about after I had a huge breakdown and felt unbelievably at my worse about everything in life but I had my friends and we were going to hang and see a movie but then 'you're bossy' and 'no offense' 'oh are we still going.'

No, we're not.



Love- I am so unlucky in relationships with dudes it is ridiculous. My ex, well he's an ex and I won't put our issues out there because they are deeper than normal relationship bullish but we didn't work and he's got a new boo. Before him, well I always forget the one for a month or so at the end of the year/beginning of this year. That was a relationship a few years too late. I wish he would have been ready when I was, we'd likely be married by now but now wasn't right and now he's having a kid with someone else. Ok now lets go further back, the one before my ex was a straight up weirdo lol. This was my senior year of college and he was really nice but strange. He carried a messenger bag like the white dudes as a purse lol. And he liked old grandpa type cars, not like an old caprice that you hook up but an old grandpa lincoln lol. Before him was Blue and well we were on two different paths in life that would have never worked even if we tried. I'm anti-marijuana and he smoked. I was getting my college degree and he well smoked and likely cheated lol. Anything before that doesn't matter.

My one- lol well lets just say the feeling was no longer mutual or they were maybe mutual but time and distance caused a huge issue. But if there is a will there is a way and there was no will. wan wan lol I guess thats how you spell that sound effect. I mean thats how I say it but I could be wrong. But back to my one. The only thing I don't like about him is his height. But everthing else was so awesome I didn't care that heels made us about the same height lol. But he doesn't feel the same way so I finally agreed that it was pointless and moved on.

The other one lol- I have two issues with this one. One being poor money management skills and lack of ambition to do anything other than issue #2, which is his hobby consuming too much of his time and his unwillingness to adjust or compromise on it. I know its a money maker for him and pays his bills when needed but damn, can't get a date or even night in with someone who is out doing their hobby 5 nights a week. And for someone willing to even come watch something they don't enjoy because you do should be met with some sort of compromise. Another, if marriage and/or baby making is being considered you have to have some sory of plan in place to have things covered and I know too much about your $$ situation to go into something along either one of those lines. It's a bit selfish but I will not struggle if I don't have to and I already am by myself, I'm not taking on more struggle.

The new one who has definitely slipped into the not going to happen box is an awesome dude. Got everything I want in a dude other than muscles and thats not a mandatory requirement. He's super smart, very successful, nice, funny, definitely a geek which is so sexy, very grounded and spiritual. But he doesn't live here. He just got our of a relationship where he was hurt so he's not receptive to dating anyone remotely serious and thats fine and I'd have no issue with that if I was told before I got my nose all opened. Sometimes thinking of someone should be left at that and not dangling your awesomeness in someone's face when its not for sale. Pre-October 2nd things were great, going slow, trying not to get in the way of his healing or "chilling" as he put it. Post October 4th I never hear from him with no explanation other than the one time he's contacted me since I was last in Chicago that he's been busy. Well you were working before too. Like I said before where there is a will there is a way and there is no longer a will so I am forced to get over that ish and move on.

Today is November 4, 2009 and I haven't been in a good place for a while now and I don't know if it'll ever get better. I think deep down I'm a good person and I'll have people in my corner. Right now I got my pup pup and he's all I need.